Beat up, torn down, defeated, left for death, but not quiet completely dead

If that title doesn't describe anything, nothing I type will help. God are you real? I believe you are. You don't seem to be, but my perception doesn't and can't really define your reality, or your ability. Why have I come to experience such a self-deserved, self-inflicted wound to the most precious aspects of my being, to the faith that so sustains my physical, intellectual, relational, emotional, and psychological worlds. Just like that, I've crumbled. I have come to ruins because of sin. I have come to the edge of confusion, the edge where right before tumbling to a bottomless pit of confusion the grace of the one who saved me holds me by the leaf of my collar, keeping me from falling to my total death. Why didn't you keep me from falling when it seemed that there was no way out? Well, you said you will never let me be tempted beyond what I can bear? You also said you will always provide a way out. So by that, I automatically know you are right and I am wrong. I am at a point where I really can't and don't want to even shed a tear because I have cried so many meaningless tears only to return to the sam….[well, I guess I couldn't hold these tears back. give me a second]. 

Does it even matter the tears I cry? Why does everything seem so meaningless, but the one person that holds all meaning can't seem to, I can't even find the words….can't seem to…I want to say "can't seem to make Himself known", but I know that's a lie. Because God I know you have made yourself known, you have made your attributes perfectly known. You have revealed your character in every way. But you haven't revealed yourself as you are, in person, but you have promised to do this when we finally meet you in heaven, face to face. I guess I am supposed to accept that by faith until then. What about when my faith is dead like now. God I am in tears, realizing the more I write and ask questions, the more you just seem to be answering me through some form, maybe through your Spirit, whom I thought left me already. Hmm.

God I realize Jesus Christ has done the work, and has paid for my every sin. For my every struggle. For my every doubt. For my every pain. I realize that your discipline doesn't mean abandonment and that in due time you will restore me like the prodigal son and dust off the signs of the battle, which I lost, but Christ won. 

In pain,

Your son whom you love (even though I don't feel it now).

P.S. I need you. I need answers and you are the answer.

Honest Prayer of a Struggling Heart

This is an excerpt of my time being real with God. Of course I couldn't post the entire thing. And as you read this, I would like to say, don't ever let anyone fool you with extreme spirituality characterized by deep talk and sometimes a prideful talk that's based on their work and less on the work of Christ. Like John Piper once said, "we are not professionals brothers". Christ is. No matter how good we talk, we are only vessels of a good God. The vessels, by themselves without the Living Water, are dead, parched. 

...I fed real legitimate hunger with dust, with sand. I ate sand, and drank gasoline to satisfy a hunger that nothing else but You could satisfy. So many things have been going wrong the past month, financially, emotionally, academically, spiritually, everything. But at the end of the day, I see how a lot of it is really a reflection of my spiritual state, and a lot of it are consequences to choices I made at some point. God, I am tired of describing and focusing on my sin. You know all of this, and more. But God, I want you I want to come back to my first and only love. I have had enough really. A month of rebellion and coldness is way too much. God, I want you to revive me. God even as I am praying and fasting and my body and mind (flesh) don't really feel like it or the need to, God I still pray for a miraculous restoration of my mind, body, and spirit. God, restore to me the supernatural, holy, perfect inhibitions and freedom of the Holy Spirit. I need your influence on every area of my life, so that I can once again live for you and get back to desiring your will, your work, your desires. God, if it pleases you restore me and help me because I am completely snuffed out. Light the lamp of my heart again. God I am not dead yet, so don't leave me for death. I have nowhere else to go God. I have no one else to turn to. God, continue to develop in me the spiritual discipline that you had started when you pulled me out slavery to sin. Not for the sake of my own righteousness and self-pleasure, but for your own sake. For the sake of obeying your commands, and pleasing you, and living in your eternal destiny, save me.

Jeremiah 2:13: "My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water."